Badass Historical Men of Manliness: Teddy Roosevelt

By: Mike

If Theodore “Don’t Call Me Teddy” Roosevelt were alive today, he’d shit a gold nugget over what a bunch of pansies we’ve become.

Right around the last time the Cubs won the World Series, the manlier of the Roosevelt presidents was picking fights with big business, lassoing corruption in the country’s biggest police force, not to mention fucking up elephants and white rhinos… and each one of their heads ended up proudly hung on his trophy wall.

“Speak softly and carry a big stick” was the famous quote by President Badass, but it was metaphorical. Replace the “st” with a “d” and that’s the true meaning of this quote. (More infamous quotes after the jump.)

So with that, we give you Ted Mothafuckin’ Roosevelt: an abridged (and slightly exaggerated) bio in manliness.

‘Dems Fightin’ Words
Ted was a sick kid. Because of his asthma he was home schooled and went to private school with snobs for most of his younger days. His parents thought he was too frail for public school. At home, he read numerous books and was insanely interested in animals and science – NERD ALERT!!!

Much like today, these kinds of kids seem to be easy targets for the town bully, to which Ted was no exception. One day, when he was still in elementary school, he went out into town with a friend. (Presumably to scare up some 4th grade tail.) Some of the older public school boys got in his way and called him a pussy rich boy. Well Ted and his friend (let’s assume his name was Bill) beat the ever living shit out of all of them (I’m guessing there were no less than 20. Or so.) You would think this was the end of the story, but bullies never learn. This round of beatings took place EVERY DAY FOR A WEEK. And every time Bill and Ted emerged bloodied and bruised, but victorious. After the third day’s fight, Ted, boning up on his action hero catchphrases, turned to Bill and said, “Let’s go round the block and come back and fight them again.” To which Bill probably replied, “I’m gettin’ too old for this shit.”

Regardless, Ted loved to fight. Boy was a scrapper. He boxed for most of his life, and even took on sparring partners between cabinet meetings. If he had his way, foreign policy would have been decided with 12 ounce gloves and a standing 8 count…. READ MORE

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